Three years ago when I moved into this apartment my kitchen was an oasis of empty cabinets.  I owned a few pots and pans, and a couple of place settings.

Then I started cooking. My goals were to lose weight, eat healthier food, and save money, which are all admirable goals.  But somewhere along the way I added a fantasy lifestyle component, where I’d be a redhead version of Donna Reed, or Monica Gellar, standing in a magazine-worthy kitchen getting ready to host a dinner party for eight. (Yes, I’m wearing pearls, and have a martini in one hand.)

(Which is just plain stupid — can you name even one TV domestic goddess with red hair?  They don’t let us near the kitchen.)

Don’t watch this video.  Seriously.  It’s filled with domestic goddesses, and a mass murderer.

Moving on . . . Instead of experiencing domestic bliss I’ve experienced aching feet, burnt fingers, over-salted food, and a kitchen subjected to half-assed cleaning because after the exhaustion of cooking I’m too tired to do the job properly.  My kitchen expanded, my waistline disappointingly maintained its circumference, and my finances took a plunge.

So cooking has not been fun.  It’s also an expensive hobby.  Since I a) don’t like cooking and b) have an overwhelming faith in technology, I’m a sucker for well-engineered (aka expensive) kitchen crap that promises to make cooking easier or more enjoyable.

That’s how, in three brief years, I’ve come to own the following

• Pantry staples:  An assortment of healthy flours and sweeteners, a metric ton of spices, etc.
• Typical kitchen gadgetry like pots, pans, cookie sheets, veggie peelers, spatulas, whisks, mixing bowls, cutting boards, etc.  Basically everything you’d find on a “your first apartment” list.
• Breville immersion blender with all the attachments
• Blendtec blender (and two Ninja blenders my sister now owns)
• Breville food processor (and a Cuisinart I didn’t like, also now property of my sister)
• Excalibur dehydrator
• Slow cooker
• Vacuum sealer (thrift store score!)
• Cheap coffee grinder
• Canning set
• Tri-blade spiralizer (thrift store score!)
• Horrible juicer (Hamilton Beach, I think?  From thrift store to garbage in one afternoon.)
• Aurora rice cooker (plus the microwave rice cooker I melted on a hot stove, and the one purchased at the Goodwill that, upon unpacking, had a flaking nonstick interior.  At least I managed to avoid buying a Zujirushi.)
• Modernist Cuisine boxed set with unusual ingredients
• Ikea kitchen rail system
• George Foreman Grill (thrift store score!)

And this week, when I’m broke (because, duh, kitchen crap) I bought a Cuisinart Griddler.

WHAT WAS I THINKING???  Sure, it was half price.  Yes, I can grill on it, inside my apartment.  And it’s a griddle, too, and a panini press.  With machine-washable grill plates.  And separate waffle plates I could optionally invest in.

But really, did I need this?  Wasn’t my ancient tiny George Foreman grill good enough?  (Obviously not.)

If gadgetry could make a person a better cook I’d be a freaking food network star by now.

I could rant about this a while longer, but I have to make room in my kitchen to store this thing.  And I need to read reviews on toaster ovens.